In just a few short hours I’ll be 44 years old. Somehow through God’s grace, I am an independent, confident, productive, wife, mother and grandmother. Yes, this still trips me out, because I know for sure most of it was not intentional on my part. I wish I had the foresight to have planned my life. I give those of you with those 5 and 10 year plans mad props. It took me a long time to have faith in my decision making ability, so I would have never trusted that I knew what I wanted. Even as a little girl, I spent a lot of time alone because I was always on punishment for one thing or another. Being chastised for everything made me fearful of making choices on my own. I actually use to tell myself that I wasn’t capable of making good choices. Not an easy road to be on.
This belief lead to me, just letting life happen to me instead of planning my steps. I was mostly reactive to what ever situations or choices others chose for me. Sometimes I had a good reaction, sometimes it was down right disastrous. I’m a very emotional being by nature, so a lot of my reaction were pure emotion. And if you know like I know, this was not going to turn out well. I had my first son as a teenager, and my second son in my early twenties. I had a decent job, but it just wasn’t going to take care of three of us. By the time I had my second son, I knew I had to make changes in my life. It started with my deciding that I was know longer going to be held back by the negative Nellys in my head. I started writing down goals and figuring out how to work towards them. A few years ago I ran across an old journal, I had to laugh when I read the goals. All I wanted was to have a car, a job, and my own place. The funny thing is, those goals seem so low, but I don’t remember being excited or even acknowledging when I reached them. Somehow, I made myself believe those goals were nothing. To some they may not be, but for me obviously it was something I needed to focus on attaining. So at that very moment, I allowed myself to be proud. Even though it was 20 years later! I let go of thinking my accomplishments are nothing. I deserve to celebrate me.
I may have said this before, but by growing up without my mom in my life, I was determined to be the mom I didn’t have. Thank God He blessed me with the ability to be a good provider for my boys. I use to wonder if I was doing a good job, then one day I looked up and not only was I taking care of my 2, but I was also taking care of my little sister and brother, and many of my younger cousins from time to time.
In the role as caregiver, I began to put myself last again . Always thinking if I didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done. After many years of sacrificing myself for the greater good of the rest of the people around me, kind of made me sad. As I look back at my thirties, I realize I spent the entire decade depressed. Mainly because I wasn’t doing anything to feed my soul. Everything was for someone else. Part of my believed that I had to keep holding all the weight or everything would fall apart and I would be the blame. I can remember my husband telling me, that everyone else can afford to be happy because I’m holding all their misery. Lol, thank God for him. He was so right. I let go of being responsible for everyone but me. I deserve to be first. It’s ok to be a little selfish sometimes.
When I turned Forty I promised myself that I was going to take better care of me. I know it might seem a little late in the game, but you know what they say: better late than never. Today I am a mother of three, a wife, and a grandmother. It’s not easy to let old habits go, but everyday I seek God for guidance and direction. As I keep moving forward on this road to self love and acceptance, there are highs and lows. But just like that old saying says, I’m looking at life through ” rose-tinted glasses”. I chose to see the good in my life. I love the institution of love and believe love is the answer. Today I believe I am not only capable of making good decisions, but I’m equipped to teach others how to as well. Today I believe that I am the master of my own destiny. Today I believe that I am worthy to be celebrated. Today I believe that I am too important not to be a priority. Today I am seeking my golden life. As I approach my forty fourth year I believe all things are possible and are working together for my good!
Outfit dets: Satin Bomber ( Charlotte Russe) Blush Denim ( Lane Bryant)